Confessions of a Utterly Confused Mind

When you are in awe of someone, you like them, you love them, then most of the things that person does becomes the basic definition of what is righteous in this world. You start believing in what they believe and start seeing things the way they see. You change your perspective, your beliefs and even your morals according to them. And this transformation will be so smooth and subtle that you won’t even be aware about it or even if some genius learns about it he/she won’t mind it. But there will come a time when you will encounter someone who will challenge this person’s authority. And you will have to compare the two and even if you realize that this new person is right you can’t let go of that person you are in love with. You can’t just let go of it. How can you? You have the same beliefs as this person. You think alike. You are the same now.

They say the “Mother is the first teacher”. Everything you learn till you grow up to become an adult is for the most part, is taught by your parents. So you inherit your parents’ ideology and you start looking at things the way they see things, you start thinking like them. Now, I can’t believe that everyone in this world is good natured, so there might be a few “evil” people out there who are making their kids evil too. So, is it ok to question your parents judgment every once in a while or is it like every Hitler’s son should go on to become a Nazi. I think that it boils down to what your perception of “Right” is and how you change it from your experiences in life.

Before starting this discussion I want to state that I am a big fan of Sachin Tendulkar and I am not trying to criticize him here. Sachin Tendulkar, the GOD born in India, Idol for every Indian (probably every person in the world) and the humblest man on the planet. My question is would we have regarded Sachin so highly or believed in whatever Sachin did if he wasn’t this famous and we weren’t looking upto him. Would we still believe that Sachin Tendulkar is the GOD born in India?

If you guys have the least bit of interest in football you must have heard about Manchester United (Man Utd) and if you would be a little more interest (or interest in shitty bollywood gossip) you must have heard about Cristiano Ronaldo. I am a Man Utd fan (or atleast I claim to be one). Cristiano Ronaldo used to play for Man Utd. And believe me this guy was good, he was very good. He scored a hell lot of goals for Man Utd too. But this guy had his antics, everything from being cocky, taunting referees and opposition players to diving (a type of cheating to gain unfair advantage in football) on the field. If you put me with a guy like that in a room one of us would end up dead (probably I have got this perspective now since he changed his club). Still everything he did was ok with me because he got us a hell lot of trophies. And in the summer of 2009 he moved to Real Madrid (a football club in Spain) and everything changed. He is still an awesome player. Just that now I can see through those antics and to put it in short I don’t like him as a person. It is also due to the fact that he left the club that made him everything he was, nurtured him from being a boy to the man he became and gave him all the fame. Does that make me a hypocrite? Or is it human nature to look up towards the light even when you are surrounded by all kinds of crap?

errmmm...

As the few of you who read my blog maybe aware of it, I work in an IT company and that means me living almost 2000 kms away from where my family lives. So the only 2 ways I can go and meet my family is either by plane or by train (which by the way takes 40 hours of travel and is a giant pain in you know what). I generally go home by plane as I am not very fond of hurting my extremities. I am not sure what it was, probably some evil spirit had taken over me while I was deciding how to go home this time but I decided that I will go and come back by train. Although I didn't regret that as the journey was fine I am back here writing my blog. Or rather it had the reverse effect. Take it as you want to.

So there I was sitting in the train loaded with 2 books to take me through the journey. I know you guys would judge me and think of me as a dork when I tell you this, though I am not completely denying that I am one but this is the kind of thing that you are not very proud of and you don’t shout out from rooftops. This was something that happened to me while I was coming back from my home and from now onwards whatever you will read is what I wrote down on the back of my train ticket at that time. (Yes! you heard it right, WROTE DOWN on the back of my TRAIN TICKET!)

There is this girl who is sitting right across to me in the next compartment and I am not blowing my own horn or anything here, but we are having what you would call (on second thought what you will never call) "catch the other person staring at you contest" (Dammit! maybe I am a dork, but I am not ashamed of it). I have been in these kind of situations a few (very few to be precise) times and I am really not sure what to do with this, what is the standard procedure for this. Should I smile at her and risk looking like a creep or should I just ignore it, but what if she was expecting me to do something about it. Or this is the extent of it and no one is really supposed to do anything in these kinds of situations.

Dammit! Instead of going over and instigating a conversation with the girl, I have started to write my memoirs about "The Encounter with the lady on the Train". I am really a geek and as history would will vouch for it, I have screwed myself again as she seems to be completely freaked out by the fact that there is a creep (roar of applause - Enter ME) is alternatively looking at her and scribbling something on a piece of paper. Thank you me! Again!

So there it is, that's the sad tale I wanted to tell you guys. On a totally different note, when people are travelling by train, it's ok if you get home cooked food with you, but to get raw vegetables with you and make salad while you are travelling. Blimey! Is that really necessary? After spending almost 80 hours in train I think I can write a guide about do’s and don’ts while travelling by train. Probably this long journey has had its toll on me. Will let you know in a couple of days. So long!

Tribute...

Let me tell you about how I started writing this blog. I used to read a blog called the 15minutelunch and this guy (Johnny Virgil with all due respect) is damn funny. Means really wet your own pants funny. You guys should really try it. So I started my own personal complaining memoirs. Now you would ask me why I am telling you this now. A couple of weeks back Johnny posted a comment on one of my posts and I was quite excited about it. So I thought I will definitely mention him in my blog. So, here we go.

Dear Brain, F**k You!

Have you ever been in a carnival or a fair and it is about to be closed? There is always the watchman who’s trying to close all the shops and make people leave so that he can lock the gates and go home. My brain is exactly like the watchman when I am trying to sleep. It is constantly trying to kick all the thoughts out so that it can turn off the lights and I can go to sleep.

Take last night for example, this blog post was like that fatass stubborn kid who wants to ride all the rides, until the very last minute. It just doesn’t want to leave the fair because it is too damn fun. Poor old Mr. Brain had to chase down this moron around the carnival for more than half an hour, running behind it, playing hide and seek and sometimes beating the crap out of it. Finally Mr. Brain dumped his (I am assuming that it is a boy for no apparent reason) ass out of the carnival for good and turned off the lights for good. To save the hassle, I have advised Mr. Brain to try and turn off the lights as late as possible so that all these jackasses have left and he can easily go about his business. But sometimes poor Mr. Brain is too tired or he has to wake up early next morning, but these f**king kids will never listen.

Last few days (unedited)

It’s weird when you sometimes try to ignore something that’s inevitable. You try to live in the present and not think about the future. All bloody inspirational books and quotes use to tell me that so I thought ‘What the heck’, I will try to live in the present too. So I stopped ignoring the obvious and started to live this dream, this make belief fantasy that I had created. I have tried to ignore this fact for more than two years now, and now when I am face to face with this fact, it broke me down. I am not sure why. As I said this was bound to happen. I knew it was bound to happen. Probably the timing was unexpected for me and I wasn’t ready for it. But come to think of it I would never have been ready for it. So, better late than never right?

The problem was that I never thought of it. I was living the dream. And when the dream came to an end I didn’t wanted to wake up. And now I have this gut wrenching pain that I can’t get rid, however may I try to. What are we supposed to do when you face a situation like this? I guess the easier option would be to stop living. But I always believed and sponsored that was something a coward does. Now I have to decide that ‘Am I a coward?’ or am I strong enough to dust myself up and fight against adversity. And even if I decide to stand up and fight, for how long can I do it? I have been a positive person all my life, see good in everything, tried to think better of everything. But how long can a positive person survive in this world? There will be a day when it will bring me down, when I will give up and let go. I won’t be myself that day. But until then I will try to fight with every last ounce of blood left in my body, with every last shred of flesh in my body. Because I am not a COWARD!

I am a problem child... yes I am

First up the title of this post, I think it's totally irrelevant but I am listening to AC/DC nowadays and I am totally hooked. You guys should try it too if you haven't yet. Ok, so there's this guy in my office who joined the office just a few weeks back. Actually he sits in the next cubicle but he's not from the same team. So, we have this usual "Hi! Hello!" thing going on. Nothing more. Then suddenly this guy sends me a friend request on facebook. I barely know this guy! He sent a friend request to some of my teammates too and they accepted it, just for being nice I guess as they also don’t know him that well. So I didn't accept the request for first few days and then one day this guy comes to me and asks me to accept the request. I was like "What the Heck!” I really don't want to add this guy because he's not my friend and I add only my friends or people I know on my facebook profile. I thought that it was my choice to add anyone to my profile. And now I have this social pressure to add this guy because, guess what? He comes up to me and asks to accept his friend request.

So, a couple of days go by and this guy meets in the restroom... The RESTROOM for crying out loud and asks me about the friend request. Now, I don't know what to do? I really don't want to accept his request. That day I almost accepted his request.

So, now this guy won't even talk to me, not even a nod of acknowledgement. I am pretty sure that he hates me. Not that I want him to talk to me or I want to know him. But I think just by not accepting a friend request I have developed hatred for myself in someone. How is that fair?

Irony!

I am in a good mood today, and not because I got some good news or something great happened to me. Just that I had a lot of work in office which kept me busy almost through day (almost because... I still I got time to sneak a post). I am never able to understand this irony at work, we always crib when we have a lot of work, but when we are sitting idle and have no work (like me) we are not that happy. We want work to keep our mind busy or atleast I do.

P.S. I almost wrote "Please get back to me in case of any issues/concerns" after writing the post, as I do in my official mails. Enough work for today.... I am going home... :)